Thursday, September 12, 2013

S4E25: Two Become One. The Finale.

It’s the biggest culinary event of the year, just narrowly edging out the Sutter Creek Chili Cook-off and Car Show. It’s the Season 4 MasterChef Finale. The producers of MasterChef went to every corner of the country looking for America’s greatest home cooks, like New York and Los Angeles and Chicago, which isn’t really a corner but you get the picture. Only big corners were searched apparently, meanwhile Sutter Creek was completely ignored.

Two Home Cooks remain. First is Natasha. She’s a 26-yr-old stay-at-home mom from San Diego or South Africa and maybe Croatia. She’s been overshadowed the whole competition, first in villainy by Krissi, then in beauty by Jessie, and now probably in cooking by Luca. Though, I do think she’s the best cook, I’m sticking to my early prediction that a guy is winning this thing.

And that guy is Luca. Last year, he was cannon fodder, losing his audition in emotional fashion. Now he’s back, with a character arc that’s destroying the competition. James’s parents are dead, but that’s nothing compared to the story of an Italian immigrant rising like a Phoenix from the MasterChef ashes to claim the prestigious title of America’s Best Home Cook. He’s lovable and wears his emotions on his apron. The only knock against him is that he refuses to interact with me on Twitter. #TeamNatasha

Soft piano plays as Natasha’s family is released from the MasterChef Dungeon. Everyone has beautiful hair.

“My wife is the most amazing person that I ever met in my life,” says Luca, beginning to choke up, as Natasha with her beautiful hair looks over at him with admiration. Luca’s wife Kate and his extended family emerge from the back clapping and singing that grating song that Europeans always sing during soccer games. One of his family members shares a striking resemblance to John Locke, so I’ll be on the lookout for some nefarious activity. But wait, there’s more family! From Italy, Luca’s sister and father are here. After Luca’s audition, he spoke with someone he called his father on the phone, and the man mysteriously had no accent. Will this be cleared up? Is John Locke involved somehow? Luca hugs his sister while his father repeatedly kisses his sideburns.

The families join the eliminated Home Cooks in the MasterChef Balcony, which hopefully wasn’t built by the MasterChef Lowest Bidders.

“We demand perfection,” demands Graham. “A perfectly composed three-course dinner. One amazing appetizer. One fabulous entrée. And the most incredible dessert.” Each dish will be judged on appearance, taste, and adjective.

Natasha and Luca race to the MasterChef Pantry to get everything they need for all three courses. Meanwhile, the eliminated Home Cooks give us their predictions. Jordan, dressed as Boo Berry this evening, likes Natasha because she has some bitch in her. Bri thinks Luca will win because of his journey and because she understands reality television story theory. Jessie likes Natasha because she’s so well rounded (re: bouncy). Krissi thinks Luca will win because he’s a better person, and if there’s anything thing Krissi knows, it’s good people. It’s just that most of them are in prison for stabbing others.

For an amazing appetizer, Natasha will be preparing pan-seared scallops with seaweed salad, couscous, and an heirloom cauliflower puree. Luca will also be going the pan-seared route, only with duck liver and toasted French brioche. “You have one hour to make up the most stunning appetizer you’ve ever made,” Gordon says. Oh shit! Now it has to be stunning instead of amazing, and they’re not allowed to go back into the pantry! MasterChef is chock full of exciting twists and turns.

Luca makes a baseball reference because he loves this country. He really does. Natasha chops purple cauliflower, which is used in every episode. Regular, boring white cauliflower doesn’t pop on the screen like the purple stuff.

The judges confer. They agree that Luca is courageous for attempting to sear duck liver. Joe is concerned that Natasha’s cauliflower may not work with seaweed. Meanwhile, Natasha is now chopping a new color of cauliflower. What is that? Goldenrod? I better see a rainbow of different cauliflowers during my next trip to Walmart.

Joe looks at Luca’s ingredients. “Sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet,” he says. “No, the chutney’s acidic,” says Luca. “I’m worried that this dish might be too…,” Joe looks Luca in the eyes. “…sweet.”

Standing next to an unfortunately wigged Sasha Fox, Krissi knocks Natasha’s dish from the balcony. Natasha snipes back, “I’m in the Thunderdome, and you’re not.” And suddenly Sasha’s hair makes more sense.

As time runs down, the crowd goes wild. James cheers like a madman, John Locke wipes seat from his brow, Jonny B renders his horrible argyle sweater…

They bring their dishes to the MasterChef Restaurant where the judges can stuff their faces in private. Natasha’s scallops are tasted first. Joe loves it. Gordon raves about the cook on the scallops. Graham’s favorite part is the fluffy couscous. She’s off to a great start.

Luca’s duck liver with brioche, peaches, and pear chutney is next. Gordon thinks it needed another 90 seconds in the oven. Graham likes it but is worried that the richness may be an issue if Luca’s entrée is heavy. Joe says the dish rides the line between savory and sweet and is a triumph. “This is a masterpiece. Bravo.”

It appears that Natasha has the edge as they begin to prepare their entrées. She is making a five-spice monkfish with infused jasmine rice and a coconut curry sauce. Luca is working on beef short ribs with sun chokes and truffle puree. He’s using the pressure cooker, which means he won’t be able to monitor his dish as it’s cooking. It’s the Mystery Box of cooking appliances.

Natasha is slicing a mango using the mandolin without a guard as Jessie faints in the balcony. She wraps the monkfish in some crazy cow stomach lining. Graham asks if she’ll remove it after it cooks. “Nope,” she replies. “I’m leaving it on.” Jonny B looks down at the shreds of his argyle sweater laying in tatters at his feet with regret.

With ten minutes to go, Luca opens his pressure cooker and looks inside to find Gwyneth Paltrow’s head. Fortunately, it's perfectly cooked. Natasha’s plating is incredible. Lynn looks down from the balcony with envy, and a torrent of sweat pours onto the wood floor below.

Natasha’s monkfish is tasted first. Graham says it’s the best looking dish in the history of MasterChef, and the cook on the monkfish is perfect. However, there’s too much heat for him, and Gordon nods in agreement. Meanwhile, Joe thinks the balance is amazing. He’s been quite the contrarian so far tonight.

Luca presents his short ribs. The judges cut into the meat to find it’s tender and glistening. Luca sums it up in an interview, “Boom. On the money.” Gordon loves the short ribs, thinks the puree is a little clumsy, and though the dish is heavy and may give him a heart attack, he will die a happy man. “If I’m finishing my entrée at Luca’s restaurant and haven’t had dessert yet,” says Joe. “I’m already thinking about when I’m going to make my next reservation.” Graham has a heart attack.

Natasha’s lead has been wrestled away from her by Luca, and they prepare for dessert. Luca will be making a basil panna cotta with tomato jam, mascarpone honey cream, and granulated sugar. Natasha says she will be making a lime panna cotta and a coconut panna cotta, and her strange cadence while explaining this really did remind me of a robot. I knew it! #TeamSexyFormelyEvilRobotNatasha

Time begins, and they quickly start panning their cottas. The judges are worried that Natasha is taking too big of a risk by trying to make two panna cottas in one hour. #gobig(andbouncy)orgohome

“I’m putting ingredients that are usually for a salad into a dessert,” says Luca. But it can work if he can make the tomatoes sweet, and if he remembers to strain his panna cotta – which he forgets to do. He starts over in a rush. Now they’re both essentially making two panna cottas.

Or are they? Natasha is considering combining her two panna cottas into one coconut lime dessert. Hold the phone. Now she’s tossing out the lime. I don’t know what’s going on.

Regardless, Natasha presents only the coconut panna cotta, which would be fine if she hadn’t said she was making lime as well. Graham picks his up with his spoon and tests the bounciness. He approves. Gordon loves his dessert and eats the tiny remains off of Graham’s plate. “You’re bouncing my taste buds around like they’re inside a pinball machine,” he says. I'm not the only one with bouncing on the brain. #BouncyRobotNatasha. Graham loves it. Joe also loves it but wonders if it was too simple. “Was there something missing from the dish?” Like, I don’t know, a lime panna cotta?

Luca presents his salad panna cotta. “Theoretically, it shouldn’t work,” says Gordon. “But it does. It’s wacky. It’s delicious.” Graham thinks it’s Luca on a plate, the highest compliment one can receive on MasterChef, second only to “good effort.” Joe likes the dessert, but since his role on this episode is as contrarian, he has issues with the structure of the dish.

Natasha and Luca leave the judges to confer. How will they decide? “You gotta look at each dish, you gotta look at the progression of the three-course dinner,” Joe says. “And you gotta look at the journey.” There it is. The journey. Best story wins as long as no one flat out blew a dish. It makes sense, though. I can’t tell you how often I’m at a restaurant asking my server for the chef’s personal story. How else can I decide if something tastes good?

“For the first time, shall we make it a draw?” asks Gordon. They shan’t. They’ve made their decision, and come out to the MasterChef Kitchen to deliver the news.

“This is my dream,” says Luca, confirming another of my theories. “I just hope when I wake up, I’ll have the title in my hand.” When you wake up, Luca, you’ll be surrounded by potatoes and cheese with a broomstick in your hand, and we will all no longer exist.

“My heart deep inside is telling me, yes, I’m going to win this,” says Natasha who isn’t going to win this.

The judges switch places with them, because standing on the MasterChef Stage is an honor just barely below having your very own cookbook.

Gordon gives the final decision of the season. “This has truly been the toughest, the most difficult decision we have ever had to make in the history of this competition.” Graham leaves his glasses on. “But as you know, there can only be one winner. One of you is about to receive a quarter of a million dollars, the opportunity to publish your very own cookbook, and get their hands on this stunning trophy.” Graham holds the glittering crystal phallus in his hands. “And one of you will have the right to call yourself a true MasterChef. The winner of MasterChef…” Natasha stands proudly with her arms behind her. Luca shares a glance with his wife. “…Congratulations…” With pressed lips, Graham and Joe look at Gordon who looks up at the ceiling. “…Luca!”

Confetti flies as Luca rejoices. He hugs Natasha, her consolation prize.

“I came here from another country because America is the best place in the world. This is where dreams come true. And now, I am America’s MasterChef.” Luca cries with joy. His father, whom we still unfortunately haven’t heard speak #damnyouJohnLocke, wipes tears out from under his glasses. Kate, Luca’s super adorable wife, is also a blubbering mess. This is a real feel good moment, a predictable yet satisfying ending.

For her part, Natasha takes it like a champ. She reads the second place script with a stiff upper lip. “It’s not the end. This is just going to catapult me to the direction I want to be.”

Gordon sprays champagne onto Luca and his family, and they begin singing that soccer song again. But let’s not think about that. Let’s remember the good times we had along the way. Chest tattoos. Beth’s emotional breakdowns. James’s beard and jokes. The stem of Graham’s glasses. The walks through the forest. Bri making Krissi shut up. Lynn’s sweat. Paula Deen’s nightmare of a smile. Bime’s meringue pie. Jessie’s ethereal beauty. Cutie Patootie. Jonny smash. Jordan’s hoodies minus that one hoodie. Gordon Junior, Joes Junior and Junior, and Graham Junior Junior. Natasha’s transformation from evil robot to a lovely, real person #whomayactuallybearobot. Walmart steaks. Joe’s spit. Kindred spirits Bethy and Savannah (who?). The meat man. The sausage machine. Luca’s fish sauce risotto. And of course, nice guy Gordon Ramsay, who can work a commercial break like no one in the business.

Thanks for reading, everyone. I’m not sure what show I’ll be recapping next, but follow my twitter (@joellugar) to hear what I decide.

Cue the confetti. I’m off to Walmart.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

S4E24: Lives Will Be Changed

It’s down to the Top Three: Smoking Fiery Hot Natasha, Loveable Italian Luca, and Ravishing Goddess Jessie. Who will win the paltry $250,000, their very own cookbook, and the coveted title of MasterChef? Luca will, but it should be fun to watch.

This is the final Mystery Box Challenge. Three boxes sit in front of the Home Cooks, one from each judge. Inside Joe’s is $250,000. He sautéed money in the first episode, so it will be interesting to see how the chefs prepare it. Graham reveals a cookbook with a picture of the three chefs on it. Their knees wobble at the sight of their own images. Inside Gordon’s box…is another box! And inside that box is a phallus. The winner shall sit upon it and be declared MasterChef.

Back at their stations, the Home Cooks open their actual Mystery Boxes. They each have different ingredients and are told to recreate the dish they presented at their auditions, only elevated. Natasha made empanadas with a skirt steak. Luca made broccoli rabe ravioli. Jessie made sea bass en croute. The winner of the challenge is promised a life-changing advantage, which can only mean that they get to execute their strongest competitor.

Time begins, and things get cooking.

Gordon visits Jessie. She feels her pastry was too thick last time, so she’s going thinner. Gordon warns her about potentially splitting her pastry.

Joe and Graham visit Natasha. She is the only chef remaining to receive three yeses at her audition. She says she doesn’t want to face Luca in the finale, because “he does have tricks up his sleeve.” Also, he kind of mounted her last episode, and she’s worried about being dominated again.

Gordon tells Luca that his sauce tastes weird. He has to start over. “Less than ten minutes to go, and I need a new sauce,” Luca tells us. “Every time I have to make Italian food, something goes always wrong – and I’m Italian!” Pull it together, Luca. This is MasterChef, not DisasterChef. Ugh. Sorry, guys. This is getting hard now that both James and Krissi are gone.

Stop. Hands in the air.

Natasha goes first. Back when she first auditioned, I didn’t like her. She was trying too hard. She was conceited. She was an evil robot. But as her personality has made a shift to the softer, I’ve come around. I honestly feel that the producers convinced her to present herself so horribly at the start, but as the contest went on, she became friends with the other Home Cooks and found it difficult to keep up the charade of villainy. She appears to be a pretty great cook, too.

Gordon says her dish looks gorgeous. He loves it. Graham loves the steak, but thinks the dough on her empanadas is a touch thick. Joe says, “Not only are you an excellent cook, but you bring a tenacity. You have the grit and the skill to maybe win the whole thing.” Pretty high praise. Girl can cook.

Luca is next. At his audition, Graham gave him a no because of his sauce and will be the first to judge his dish this time around. I bet he likes it. “Wow. There’s so much flavor. Way better,” he says. But wait. He still doesn’t like the sauce. Gordon asks Luca why he’s putting cheese in his sauce. It’s an epiphany moment for Luca as he declares war against cheese sauces. If Velveeta offered him a sponsorship right now, he would laugh in their faces. And then accept it, because that’s good money he’d be passing up.

Last is the radiant, effervescent Jessie. “Gorgeous. I’m so impressed,” says Joe. Her dish looks good, too. “Taste is beautiful,” says Gordon as the drums kick in. “You’re a force to be reckoned with.”

Third place goes to Luca. “Cheese sauce!” he curses.

First place goes to commercial break Jessie. She bounces up and down in excitement. Bouncing is Natasha’s area of expertise, so I’m a little disappointed she didn’t win. But I love Jessie, and it’s her first Mystery Box win, so I’m happy for her and want to run away with her forever and ever.

For the final Elimination Challenge, all three Home Cooks join the judges in the MasterChef Pantry. In front of the judges are three covered ingredients. Jessie’s life-changing advantage is that she gets to pick the ingredient she cooks with. They oversold that advantage a bit. Life-changing? I guess anything could be considered life changing. I’ve made life-changing trips to the bathroom. Whatever ingredient she chooses will be unavailable to Luca and Natasha. The second pick goes to Natasha. Meanwhile, Luca gets life-changingly boned.

Joe reveals Grana Padano, aka cheese. A dozen sauce recipes instantly fill Luca’s head.

“Every chef in the world would kneel before this beef,” says Graham as he dramatically reveals Kobe beef.

Gordon reveals Alaskan king crab.

Jessie notes that Luca isn’t strong with crab, so she’ll be taking one of the first two ingredients hoping Natasha takes the other. She drops to her knees and chooses the Kobe beef. “And you’ve never worked with it before?” Gordon asks. Mouth full of beef, she shakes her head.

Gordon asks Luca which ingredient he’s afraid of. “I think that making up something awesome with the cheese is not easy,” says Luca. Smash cut to a super excited Luca in an interview. “I would looove to cook with Grana Padano!!” Clever Luca.

Natasha makes her decision. “I’ve got to make it to that finale, so I want to work with…” commercial break “the challenging Alaskan king crab.” On the floor, mouth still full of beef, Jessie gets boned.

They begin to cook.

Gordon’s worried about Jessie. Joe’s worried about Natasha. Graham’s worried about Luca. I’m worried for everyone.

Natasha is making a cold soba noodle salad. Gordon warns, “If you’re going to put a cold, marinating soba noodle salad on a plate to get into the finale, Natasha, it has to be a fucking brilliant cold soba noodle salad.” Natasha smiles. Girl can cook.

Luca is making a stuffed veal cutlet filled with Grana Padano and sage, serving it with frico. Joe says, “Why don’t you explain to Graham what frico is (because he’s a moron).” Graham obviously knows what frico is, but I don’t because I am a moron. Luca? “Frico is the most difficult dish of our region. Our region is very, very poor…cheese, potatoes, and onions.” Joe continues, “You bake them together, almost like a tart, and then you let it cool and you cut it.” Got it. Totally clear. Cheesy potato onion crackers.

Jessie is searing her beef and has plans to make a ponzu butter, only there’s a problem. She has no butter. She asks Natasha for some and gets denied. Luca throws Jessie a stick, because he doesn’t give a frico. “I’m a good guy,” he says. “Fuggedaboutit.”

Stop. Hands in the air.

Luca presents his pancetta wrapped veal cutlet with Grana Padano and frico to Joe. He thinks everything tastes good, though perhaps the dish is too rich. Luca was hoping the frico would add enough poverty, but apparently it didn’t. Gordon says he would have nailed it if the cheese in the veal wasn’t so thick. Graham takes a bite and looks to the ceiling. Flavor-wise, he loves it. He just thinks it looks a little shitty.

Next are Natasha and her cold king crab yakisoba salad. “Bold move,” says Gordon. “It’s…” The music crescendos as the tension builds. “It’s phenomenal.” It’s predictable. So obvious that Natasha was going to nail it. Joe doesn’t love the raw peppers, but everything else is good. Graham loves that she used the Serrano pepper, and thinks it’s one of her best dishes. Sexy Formerly Evil Robot Natasha is going to the finals.

Jessie brings the beef. “You pick the (ingredient) that you’ve never cooked before,” Joe says. “Are you insane?” She might be. She’s crazy hot, I know that much. He gives it a taste, and he likes it. Graham tastes it, and also likes it. Luca is starting to get worried. Gordon also likes it, but the noodles are too greasy. She made a papaya salad but decided to leave it off the plate. Gordon asks to taste it and loves it more than the noodles. The other judges agree. It might be a fatal error in judgment.

After a quick huddle, the judges are ready to decide. Natasha had the best dish and receives her place in the finale.

“Which leaves Luca and Jessie, two very talented Home Cooks…” Graham removes his glasses, pressing a stem to pursed lips. “…The person joining Natasha in the MasterChef finale…” Graham presses the stem harder against his lips. “…is…” Jessie closes her eyes. Joe looks at Gordon. Luca prays. “…Luca.”

Luca moves on, which isn't a huge surprise since he will be winning this whole thing. He’s living the American dream of one day having your very own cookbook.

Beautiful Jessie chokes back tears as Joe offers her a job in any of his restaurants. She hugs the judges before removing her apron and leaving the MasterChef Kitchen.

My love has left me heartbroken once again, only this time my heart breaks not for myself but for her. She looks like an angel, she cooks like an angel, and now she flies off to hopefully brighten a kitchen somewhere that’s not on a yacht. Goodbye, my love!  

S4E23: Clobberin', Quittin', and Awkward Sittin'

“Final Four. I have a 25% chance to win a quarter of a million dollars,” begins Natasha, turning her nose up at the illustrious title of MasterChef and her very own cookbook. But Krissi understands where the real value is. She says, “And then getting this cookbook, like, aside from my kid, that’s been my biggest motivation.” What would that cookbook be called? A Bully in the Kitchen, Cooking with Your Fists, Just a Dash of Hatred...

Two Mystery Boxes. Two stations. Two teams of two. Too true! Each team will have to prepare a three-course meal, completely ruining the beautiful streak of twos Gordon had going. The losing team will have to face off in the Dreaded Pressure Test. Graham announces the first pick of teams goes to the Home Cook with the most Mystery Box wins. Luca realizes that it’s himself and tries to celebrate, but the stress of the moment only allows him to muster a dead-eyed, half-smiling, below-the-waist fist pump.

Donning the blue apron, Luca knows he isn’t picking Krissi. “Jessie and Natasha are both very strong competitors, but me and Natasha in the past didn’t get along very much.” It’s a difficult decision, to be sure. They’re both pretty hot, Jessie in a #BeautifulAngelFromHeaven kind of way, and Natasha in a #SexyFormerlyEvilRobot way. The tiebreak goes to who Luca thinks will be a more competitive teammate, Natasha.

“I’m stuck with The Thing,” says Jessie. Oh, so that explains Krissi’s horrible personality. A massive dose of gamma rays. Shoulda known. And that isn’t cleavage, just a crack in her rock-like skin. Please let that be a crack in her rock-like skin.

Colorado lamb, Maine lobster, Catskills rainbow trout, Montana parsnips, Oregon beets… 50 states, 50 ingredients. Welcome to MasterCartographer.

The teams begin cooking/disagreeing. Luca&Natasha are making a seafood medley salad (a collection of some of the greatest seafood hits from the past 30 years), rack of lamb, and a strawberry tart. Jessie&Krissi are making a cold lobster salad, rack of lamb, and an apple tart.

Dessert disasters are forming at both stations. Natasha’s crust crumbles, so she wisely decides to make a crumble. Krissi’s dough is too buttery, so she decides to make crepes, which she doesn’t know how to make. “Jessie, I’m not comfortable making crepes,” she says. To which Jessie replies, “Babe, you abandoned me on the lobster, so you gotta pick something you can cook.” Krissi stands there, more slack jawed than usual, incredulous at Jessie’s gall. “What the fuck did you just say to me, bitch?” Krissi bravely says in a private interview. “I literally am going to take this hot pan and smash it in her face.” Uh oh. It’s clobberin’ time!

Nope. It’s quittin’ time. Krissi abandons Jessie on the rest of the dishes, as well, leaving the love of my life to finish cooking everything on her own.

“Beets?” asks Luca. “Beets beets beets?” responds Natasha. “Beets beets,” says Luca. This team is really coming together, having already created their own language.

Krissi says something about her kid motivating her again and returns with a mixer. Fortunately, she doesn’t bash Jessie in her beautiful face with it.

“Beets! Beets!” says Luca. “Beets?” asks Natasha. Luca clarifies, “Beets! Beets!” “Beets,” agrees Natasha.

Time ends, and Luca&Natasha bring their dishes to the front.

Their seafood medley salad has turned into a seafood trio, basically it’s a piece of trout, a lobster tail, and a fried oyster slapped onto a plate. Joe calls it “unusually weird,” but he likes it, particularly Luca’s torch job on the trout.

Gordon tastes their lamb. It’s delicious, along with the puree. The beets are soggy, slightly overcooked. Beets beets? Beets beets beets. Haha. I wish you guys could speak Beetish, because I just killed it with that joke.

“Don’t be upset at me if it’s not good,” Natasha whispers to Luca about the dessert. Graham examines it with a curious “hmm, interesting.” It has a gloopy quality to it.

It’s time for Jessie&Krissi to bring their offerings up. Joe looks at their lobster salad. “It looks like a sundial,” he says, about to tell them what time it is. He tastes it, and…it isn’t clobberin’ time. He thinks it tastes great.

Gordon tries the lamb. “Who seared the lamb?” he asks, knowing that Jessie seared the lamb. Something went wrong with the sear, although I’m not sure exactly what that is. Krissi tries to throw Jessie under the bus for miscooking the lamb, but Gordon has none of it, asking Krissi if she quit. She did. After some arguing and Jessie rattling off a long list of everything she had to do while Krissi quit, including beets, Gordon retries the lamb. This time, he likes it.

Graham tries their apple tart sans tart. “Good effort,” he says, ending the season and immediately awarding Krissi the title of MasterChef.

The winning team is obviously Luca&Natasha, who celebrate like it was far from obvious to them. They scream and hug. Then Natasha turns during the hug, so that Luca is now riding her from behind while he holds on to her chest. It was just an excellent teammate decision from Luca on multiple levels.

Jessie goes upstairs to commiserate with Luca and Natasha. She calls Krissi a cow and they all share a laugh at her inability to make crepes. Krissi hears their mutterings and bolts up the stairs. It’s clobberin’ time!

No clobberin’ commences. Just some awkward sitting around. It’s awkward sittin’ time!

It’s time for the Dreaded Pressure Test. Jessie looks stunning per usual. Krissi looks awful and mean and sad and friendless and she blocked me on Twitter, so I hope she loses.

They have to make chocolate mousse. “Pure edible decadence,” Graham says. “Amazing.” I laugh so hard. James is gone, so the comedy crown goes back to Graham.

Up in the balcony, Luca and Natasha are dressed for a funeral. Soon, there will be one, but not just yet as Joe adds another element to the challenge. Chocolate molten lava cake. Gordon reveals the third chocolate dessert they’ll have to make. “It is the most fearsome dessert in the whole fucking world.” A chocolate wombat, err—soufflé.

Cook cook cook. Krissi is a baker, so she has the advantage going into this. However, Jessie is mind-blowingly gorgeous, so…actually that doesn’t really factor in.

Krissi falls behind with the soufflés. Running out of time, she pops them into the oven and then squats in front of it, bouncing and puffing out her cheeks. Amazing.

Time ends. It’s judgerin’ time!

Soufflé goes first. Gordon tastes Jessie’s with no comment. He does the same with Krissi’s. After whispering to the judges, he gives the win to Jessie.

Graham tastes the chocolate mousses. The chocolate meese. Whisper whisper. The win goes to Krissi.

It comes down to the lava cake, and they both look terrible. Joe tastes them both and then leaves with the judges to confer.

They come back out, and Joe addresses Jessie and Krissi. “Obviously, both molten cakes had problems…” Krissi closes her eyes and nods. “…It came down to the most minute of details…” Gordon looks at Joe, then at the cooks. “…Based on those two chocolate molten lava cakes, the Home Cook joining the Top Three…” Graham presses the stem of his glasses against pursed lips. “…and entering the semi-final of MasterChef…” Gordon smells his fingertips. “…is…” Commercial break. “…Jessie.”

Boom. Clobbered.

“Krissi, this is very emotional and difficult for me,” says Joe who always had a soft spot in his hard heart for her.

Tears roll down Krissi’s rocky cheeks. “Come here, you,” Gordon beckons. “Don’t punch me,” he says before giving her a hug.

It was quite a rollercoaster for Krissi. She began as the most sympathetic character, actually making me tear up at her audition, but things quickly changed. Horribly racist tweets were revealed and then insincerely apologized for. She was belligerent to her fellow competitors, often threatening them with violence. But every good reality show needs a villain, and she was one of the best.

Farewell, Krissi. If you’ve learned anything from this competition, let’s hope it was to never block me on Twitter.