Are you pumped?! That’s not pumped enough! I want you as
pumped as all of these paid extras that strangely appear to all be in their
early twenties! It’s like they all just moved to Hollywood with dreams of
becoming famous and are at the MasterChef Finale because they need this
pittance of a paycheck to stay alive for the next few months before moving back home and taking mailroom jobs at their fathers' accounting firms. But that isn’t the
case. These are real fans. And they’re really pumped! They aren’t worried about
not having chairs, because they’re going to be on their feet for the whole
show, cheering on the two best Home Cooks in America!
By now, you should know that I’m referring to Courtney and
Elizabeth. They’ve been at the front of the competition all season long—except
for that donut episode when Kira was inexplicably sent home instead of
Courtney—and they’re ready to battle it out for the title of MasterChef.
Oh wait. They’re already sitting. Get up, you ungrateful
megalomaniacs! This is the MasterChef Finale!
We’re treated to a montage of some of our favorite
MasterChef moments from Season 5. I NEED YOU ON THE GRILL. YOU’RE NOT SORRY AT
ALL. I’M NOT GOING TO STAND HERE AND BE ABUSED. All of them classics. But
that’s the past, and this is the (pre-taped) present. Let’s welcome our
finalists.
The MasterChef Doors open, and in walks Elizabeth. She
lives in New York and works at an advertising agency. “I enjoy my career,” she tells us.
And why wouldn’t she? Being a creative in advertising is a pretty sweet gig if
you can get it. But Elizabeth wants more. She has culinary dreams. She has cookbook writing dreams. And she might just
see them come true today. The favorite, Elizabeth made it through the entire season
without facing a Dreaded Pressure Test. That’s impressive, but will the lack of
Dreaded Practice be her downfall? The only thing that stands in her way is
herself.
Oh, and Courtney. From Philadelphia, Courtney is
embarrassed of her past, not that she should be. She paid her bills by working
in a gentleman’s club. (America gasps in horror and clutches its pearls.) This
is her chance for a new beginning, a career that will make her family proud.
Courtney has faced more scorn from the internet crowd than any of her co-competitors due to everyone projecting his
or her own insecurities onto a female target that has the gall to utilize her
feminine charm. I, too, was hard on her at first, but then she began to display real
emotion, passion, and even occasional vulnerability. Add that to some serious
cooking chops, and you’ve got a pretty compelling character.
Courtney and Elizabeth’s fallen comrades stand on the
MasterChef Balcony to watch the finale. It’s good to see these familiar faces
again, but unfortunately Little Gordon couldn’t be with us. He died. RIP.
Release the relatives! Elizabeth’s mother encourages
her to “Cook your ass off.” I decide to call my mom and see if she has any words of
encouragement for me. She tells me, “Stop using so much toilet humor. You’re
embarrassing the family.”
Courtney is pretty stoked to see her family. The run
in to greet her. “Is Cooper here?” she asks them. He is. That was
adorable. I’ll even forgive the argyle sweater. But just this once.
Get these families out of here. It’s time for the main
event.
Tonight’s challenge is to make an appetizer, an entrée, and finish with dessert. “Three identical plates of each course, one for each
of us,” instructs Graham. They have ten minutes to get everything they need
from the MasterChef Pantry, and their time starts…now.
Leslie wants Elizabeth to win. Willie thinks you shouldn’t
count Courtney out, because she works well under pressure. Daniel says that
Elizabeth is the Terminator, and she’s going to shut Courtney down just as soon
as she’s done murdering Sarah Connor.
Elizabeth is planning on making a grilled octopus with a
warm chorizo and chickpea salad for her appetizer. That’s pretty risky. If she
overcooks the octopus, it will be tough and rubbery. If she undercooks it, the
octopus will strangle the judges.
Courtney will be making a crispy pig’s ear with dandelion
and fennel salad and a quail egg. That’s also risky. Gordon loves calling bad
dishes a “dog’s dinner,” and pig’s ears are literally what dogs eat.
Time begins, and our two finalists tie their hair back and
get to work.
Hey, Kira! How’s it going? Read this blog often? Me? I’m
not up to too much. Just chillin’. Writin’ recaps. Working out a lot. Okay, I
got to get back to it. See ya around!
“There are no heels in the kitchen anymore,” says Elizabeth,
incorrectly. “It’s knives, and it’s time to do battle. Let’s do this.”
She has her game face on. And her game boots.
Guess who likes pig’s ears. This guy. “I think it’s a
very awesome, trendy way to go,” says Cutter, always with his finger on the pulse.
Cook, cook, cook.
Could Joe be any more in Courtney’s corner? “Courtney’s
strategy is working,” he says. “She put the full court press on Elizabeth, and
I think Elizabeth is beginning to buckle under the pressure.” The way he blatantly
roots for the Italian contestants is starting to feel like a reverse hate
crime.
Time begins to run out as Elizabeth pulls her octopus out of
the pressure cooker at the very last minute, and they both begin plating. Victoria
is pumped. I mean it this time. She’s legit pumped.
Time ends, and they bring their plates forward. Courtney says
Elizabeth’s plating looks a little haphazard but overall the dish appears to be
okay. Elizabeth’s eyeballs disagree.
They serve the judges in the MasterChef Restaurant, and
Elizabeth goes first with her grilled octopus with chickpea and chorizo salad. “This is truly an octopus that I can eat with my eyes,” says Joe,
tentacles hanging from his tear ducts. But when he takes a bite with his mouth,
he’s less pleased. “I think you may have overcooked the octopus.” Graham and
Gordon both compliment her flavors and aggressive spicing with no additional
word on the cook of the octopus.
Courtney presents her crispy pig’s ear with dandelion and
fennel salad. Elizabeth tells us that it looks like a usual Courtney dish:
“meticulous and soulless.” Joe calls the dish “assertive and
opinionated,” meaning that in a good way, I think. Graham says it tastes great.
Gordon says that Courtney delivers “a punch with flavor. Great job.”
It appears that Courtney has a slight lead going into the
entrées. They have sixty minutes to prepare them, and their time starts…now.
Graham says that they are neck and neck, so maybe Courtney
doesn’t have a lead. Elizabeth begins working on a rack of lamb, another dish
very sensitive to cook time. Courtney is preparing a sumac duck breast, calling
it very traditional.
“Hey, Coop. Wanna see some fire?” asks Courtney. He
does.
“I mean, I can flambé, but I don’t need to,” says Elizabeth.
It appears that Courtney is getting under her skin, and—oh hey, Kira! Having a good time? I’m just finishing up this recap but still finding the time to
play with my dog. Yeah, I have a dog, and I love her. She’s a rescue. I rescued
her. From a burning building.
Courtney begins plating while Elizabeth’s lamb is still in
the oven. “Tonight, I am struggling with time more than I have anytime
previously,” says Elizabeth. The pressure is getting to her. Perhaps the lack
of Dreaded Pressure Test experience is coming back to haunt her. She takes the
lamb out and begins cutting it. The first slices look good, but the last ones,
not so much. “That looks really rare,” says Christian. Trust him on this. No
one is more honest.
Oh my god! Is that a g-g-g-ghost?? No, it’s Little Gordon! He’s alive! Bless his little heart.
Time ends, and they bring their plates forward. Courtney
says she thinks Elizabeth’s lamb looks raw. Oooooh! “No, it’s medium
rare,” says Elizabeth. That comment really bothered her. “Courtney started
something,” she tells us, “and at this point, the gloves are off. My dish is
about to knock this bitch out. It’s on.” The fight is on, she means. The gloves
are off. And the heels are off, too. Except for Courtney’s heels. Those are on.
Elizabeth presents her spiced rack of lamb with red quinoa and carrot purée. She admits to Joe that his is undercooked, but I think she was smart
to serve that one to Joe, seeing as how he is already in full support of
Courtney and a lost cause. Gordon’s is cooked perfectly, however, and he is
particularly impressed with the quinoa. Graham calls the dish a knockout.
Elizabeth removes her mouth guard and spits blood into a bucket as her trainer
applies Vaseline to the cut over her eye.
Courtney presents her sumac duck breast with spring vegetables and farro. “Visually gorgeous, and I think it tastes as good
as it looks,” says Graham who has been full of compliments all evening. Joe
also loves it, saying that it looks like it came out of a restaurant. Gordon
continues the praise parade, “Elegance matched with fragrance matched with
great finesse. Stunning. Absolutely stunning.”
The judges insist that no one is solidly ahead at this
point, but it seems pretty clear to me that Courtney is in the lead. Dessert is
still to come, but really, it might be too late for Elizabeth.
Bad news, guys. During entrée service, Little Gordon fell
ill and died. RIP Little Gordon. I’ll do my best to honor your memory with the
rest of this recap.
For dessert, Elizabeth is making a grapefruit and olive oil
cake with a plum trio. “Wow,” says Gordon. Courtney will be preparing a cherry
meringue with salted chocolate and spiced almonds. They have one hour, and it
starts…now.
Joe visits Elizabeth and asks her if she wants this as much
as Courtney. “I absolutely want this as much as she does,” says Elizabeth.
“Just because I work at an office and not a nightclub does not mean that I
don’t deserve to win this.” Oh no she didn’t!
Gordon asks Courtney if she’s worried about having enough
time for the meringues to dry, but the heat emanating from Elizabeth’s fiery
stare should be more than enough to do the trick.
Once again, Elizabeth has timing issues. Her cake is
undercooked in the middle, but she decides to only use the outer edge, keeping
it perfectly moist. Ah, moist. I love that word. Don’t you? Moist moist moist.
MoisterChef. She takes a bite and shows us a face that her husband, Ross, is
very familiar with. Am I right, Ross? High five, bro.
Courtney tries a bite of one of her meringues and shows us
her Oh no, I just ate one of the judges’
meringues face. She tells us, “I have just quite possibly eaten a
quarter of a million dollars.” And that's the face she makes? It doesn't seem like she got her money's worth.
Time is counting down, and this guy is really earning his
paycheck.
Stop. Wow. Well done.
They bring their desserts forward. Elizabeth says that
Courtney’s dessert looks like second place. Oh snap!
Back in the MasterChef Restaurant, Courtney goes first this
time. She presents her cherry meringue with chocolate and almonds. It’s
obvious that each plate is missing a meringue with the third pile of
meringue-less sauce on there. Joe detects a saltiness beyond the salted
chocolate, and the black cherries are the culprits. “After processing it in my
mind, I have to say that I think—it’s brilliant,” says Joe, “…making me
not only eat it with my palate in my mouth but also digest it with my brain.”
Gordon looks at him like, WTF did you just say? Like everything else tonight, Graham likes it. Gordon likes
the meringue but thinks Joe is out of his mind concerning the cherries. He
calls it her clumsiest plate as Joe, under his breath says, “I don’t agree,”
and shoves another bite of salty cherries into his brain.
Elizabeth presents her grapefruit and semolina cake with
poached plums and pistachios. It looks bomb and objectively much better
than Courtney’s dessert. Graham has nothing bad to say about it. Joe calls it a
top-notch dish that fires on all cylinders. He particularly appreciates the
Italian nature of the dish. Gordon compliments her quick thinking on using the
outside of the cake, and overall, loves the dish. This is a solid win for
Elizabeth in the dessert section of the challenge. Will it be enough?
Courtney and Elizabeth go back to the MasterChef Kitchen as
the judges argue about salted cherries.
Elizabeth feels that she should win because her three dishes
have more of a connective thread. Courtney feels that she should win because
she took risks and was daring. I feel like I should win or at least have a
major online blog site aggregate my #content. But hey, we don’t always get what
we want.
The judges come to a consensus and return to the MasterChef
Kitchen. Graham addresses them. “Elizabeth and Courtney, you came to this
competition as Home Cooks with a burning passion for food.” Hold everything! We have a piper down! I repeat, a piper is down!
It’s a legitimately scary moment—that I am a huge ass for
making fun of—as Ross, Elizabeth’s husband, faints under the bright stage
lights and tremendous pressure of the moment. Gordon is always great in these
situations, calmly taking charge, getting him some water, a chair, and most
importantly, adding a little levity to an embarrassing moment for the poor guy. “We
haven’t announced a winner yet, so thanks for staying with us,” he tells him.
“My husband loves me so much he passed out,” says a
tear-stained Elizabeth. A little advice, Ross? Next time, flowers will suffice.
Ross gives the thumbs up, and we are ready to
continue.
For the final time this season, Gordon delivers the news.
“Tonight confirmed that you two are phenomenal chefs, and that’s why we’d like
you both to come up here and switch places with us.” They switch places to
thunderous applause. “Our decision wasn’t easy. It came down to the tiniest of
details. That’s how close it was this evening. But as you know, there can only
be one winner.”
Joe decides to get in on the action. “One of you is about to
win a quarter of a million dollars,” he says, pulling the MasterChef Envelope
from his jacket pocket.
Graham wants a piece of this, too. “One of you will go on to
publish your very own cookbook, and one of you will claim this,” he says,
pulling the MasterChef Trophy from you-don’t-want-to-know-where, “the most
coveted title in the culinary world, the title of MasterChef.” Let the angels
sing.
Gordon fishes the job. “America’s next great MasterChef—is—”
Graham does NOT press the stem of his glasses to pursed lips.
“—congratulations—” I pass out. I recover. “—Courtney!”
Confetti falls. The crowd cheers. Courtney cries tears of
joy. It’s beautiful.
“I’ve never given up,” Courtney tells us. “I’ve been through
the ringer. I’ve made so many sacrifices, and this—validates—all of them.” She
continues, “This trophy means no more student loans, my mom gets a kitchen, and
I have a secure future in cooking.”
The judges spray Courtney and her family with champagne
as—oh hey, Kira!
“Why didn’t I put the lamb in sooner?” Elizabeth asks
herself. “I’d be $250,000 richer, but you know what?” There’s a very obvious
dub as we cut to a different shot and hear her finish in a completely different tone, “Courtney deserves it.” Nice work, editor. Seamless.
“I did things that I didn’t think I was ever capable of
doing. I’m really proud of myself,” she says, starting to get choked up.
It’s a tough moment for Elizabeth. She is probably the best
chef from the season, and I can only imagine how awful it feels to come so
close to winning, only to watch your biggest rival celebrate the title that you
worked so hard to achieve. But she still has all of the talent that got her
here, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see Elizabeth come out on top in the long
run.
Thank you for a great season, Elizabeth. I was a little
nervous about having someone with so many mutual friends as me in the
competition, but at least for me, it ended up being so much more enjoyable
because of it. Keep cooking. Keep promoting yourself. And forget about those
cookbooks for now. TV should be your thing. You have the skills and personality
for it.
Now back to our newest MasterChef. “My mom looking at me
winning this title means so much to me. I’ve had highs and lows. I’ve come so
far, and I’ve made her and my father and my siblings so proud of me,” says
Courtney with a big MasterChef smile.
It’s a powerful and motivating thing, the approval of one’s
family. Warranted or not, Courtney carried
their disappointment on her shoulders for a long time, and she worked hard to
make them proud. Not only was she a great cook all season, she was the best
strategist MasterChef has ever seen. To win this game, you have to have cooking
skills but you also need to have personality, smarts, and the guts to not worry
about people always liking you. And having a good story isn’t so bad either. Courtney
has all of those things, and that’s why she can call herself MasterChef.
Thank you, Courtney. I’m glad you finally came around on
these recaps, and I’m particularly happy that you kept my streak of
flawless—flawless, I say!—MasterChef predictions intact. Good luck in the
future. May it be filled with profitable culinary endeavors, brightly colored
lipstick, and tube travel. That last one’s for me.
Addendum
And thus ends another season of MasterChef Theatre. This was
probably my last recap here. It’s been a lot of fun and a lot of hard work.
What started off as just a simple writing project to keep my chops up turned
into so much more, and I thank all of you, my readers, for slogging through these
long, wordy entries. Every comment and every tweet from you guys mean so much
to me. You made me feel good. I don’t know what I’m going to try next, but I’m
sure I’ll tweet about it, whatever it is.
I learned a lot about myself writing these recaps, and I
think I became not just a better writer but also a better person because of
them. I hope so. Let us all try to remember that these characters we see on our
televisions are real people. They put themselves out there and make themselves
vulnerable in a way that most of us can hardly imagine. Even if you “don’t
like” who you think they are, understand that you are still being entertained
in these moments of irrational anger, and you should thank them for that.
Thank you to the creators of MasterChef for not shutting me
down. Thank you to Gordon Ramsay, Graham Elliot, and Joe Bastianich. Thank you
to the producers to whom I took such pleasure in giving a hard time. And a
sincere and special thank you to the casts of seasons four and five.
We had fun. Didn’t we?