Have we arrived at the end of the season already? It seems
like only yesterday we were welcoming 22 new faces into our lives. We met two
Francises, a woman who knew how to push denim to its limits, a colorful man in
lensless glasses telling us how real this was all going to be, another smaller
Gordon, and a whole lot more. But soon they all began to mean so much more to us, too. One Francis
became Frankie, the other Francis became Scottish, the colorful man became the
center of all that is good and lovable in the universe, the denim became chambray,
and Little Gordon died. RIP.
Now we are down to three, the Top 3, if you will. We have
Leslie, the stay-at-home dad from Malibu with incredible hair and a rapier wit
to match. There’s Courtney, the struggling student turned struggling gentleman’s
club performer turned surprisingly adept cook. And there’s Elizabeth, the
advertising executive aka associate creative director aka screenshot gold aka
the most consistently impressive chef on the show. Together, they come into the
finals, each with an actual shot to win the title of MasterChef, $250,000,
their very own cookbook, and a crystal phallus.
I made my predictions before watching the show:
Here are my #MasterChef Top Three predictions:
3rd - @MC5Elizabeth
2nd - @MC5Leslie
1st - @MC5CourtneyL
— MaestroChef (@joellugar) September 15, 2014
Here’s my reasoning. It’s really down to Elizabeth and
Courtney. Leslie’s chances of winning are severely diminished by the fact that
he has money. And while he has a loyal following of fans, the powers that be at
MasterChef would prefer the winner to be someone who has to overcome adversity to
rise to the top. This is also why I’m picking Courtney over Elizabeth, who had
a successful career before the show and will be able to continue her career
after it’s over. I could also see Elizabeth turning a 2nd or 3rd
place finish into a successful culinary career in television or maybe writing.
A lot of times, the more talented non-winner of a reality show ends up going on
to greater things, because the general public likes to see underdogs win
titles.
That’s enough preamble ramble. We have two hours of
MasterChef to get through.
Our three finalists are shown what they really came here
for, the coveted MasterChef trophy, and would you look at it shine! That
sparkle wasn’t added in post. Inside the MasterChef trophy resides the souls of
each defeated MasterChef contestant who upon losing is immediately slaughtered
and ground into MasterChef brand sausage. Their spirit, however, is captured
and trapped inside the crystal phallus for all of eternity—or until someone
drops and breaks it. Whichever comes first.
“That trophy will change my life forever,” says Leslie, who
plans on using the power held within the trophy for unspeakable evil. What kind
of evil, you ask? I dare not speak of it!
Elizabeth plans on using the trophy to publish her own
cookbook, separate from the one given to the winner, which he/she far from
actually owns. She will take the trophy to the offices of Morris Press, “The
Nation’s #1 Cookbook Publisher,” and begin bludgeoning every office worker she
finds until they relent and give her a cookbook deal.
For their first challenge, each Home Cook will have to
prepare an entrée for 50 professional chefs, one from each state in this great
nation of mine (and maybe yours. I have a pretty substantial Canadian following.)
But they won’t be cooking alone. Six of their former contestants who have yet
to be damned and slaughtered are returning to lend a hand. Emerging from the
MasterChef Shadows is Christian, Jaimee, Willie, Daniel, Ahran, and Victoria.
Cutter, who went out in fourth place, is mysteriously absent. I’m stunned that
he isn’t there. It is the most stunning thing that’s ever happened on this, the
world’s largest culinary competition.
Each of the Top 3 selects two fortune cookies (goooong!)
containing the names of their prospective helpers. They’re really dragging this
out for some reason. Courtney gets Daniel and Willie. Leslie gets Ahran and
Christian. Elizabeth gets Jaimee and Victoria. They have 90 minutes to prep and
cook, and their time starts…now.
They all run to the MasterChef Pantry to get supplies. “If
we think it’s hard getting anything past Chef Ramsay, Chef Elliot, and Joe,”
says Courtney, “it’s going to be 50 times harder getting it past all of these
chefs.” Hmm. Let me check her math real quick. Three goes into 50…carry the
one…150 times. Yep, it checks out.
In the MasterChef Pantry, we hear what the Home Cooks are
planning. Leslie wants to make a filet and gnocchi. Elizabeth is planning on
making red snapper with cauliflower three ways. Courtney is making a ginger soy
glazed halibut with some beet something or other. “Wow wow wow,” says Gordon as
they return to the MasterChef Kitchen.
The judges are immediately worried about Courtney’s halibut.
Apparently it’s a fish that likes to loiter around until becoming mush. They
like Elizabeth’s snapper/cauliflower combo because it’s seasonal and purple
cauliflower really pops on screen. However, they do not like Leslie’s combo of
filet with gnocchi. If there’s one dish that doesn’t pop on television, it’s
gnocchi.
The doors to the MasterChef Kitchen open, and in walks a
line of the best chefs in America, some of whom are good enough to even have
their names mentioned. There’s Cat Cora, Michael Voltaggio, Susan Feniger, Mary
Sue Milliken, Herb Wilson, Chef Boyardee, and the chef from BurgerTime. Daniel
kicks himself for not making the final over that last one.
Each of the professional chefs is wearing a patch of their
state’s flag on their chef coat, and—holy shit. Really, Mississippi?
Gordon visits Courtney’s station and advises her that
halibut overcooks easily. “I know that,” she replies. She feels prepared for
the task at hand and that “with good preparation comes good execution.” And
with poor preparation comes this recap, weekly, often very late, and poorly executed.
“Whoa! That’s awesome,” says Victoria after taking a bite of
something Elizabeth is cooking. Joe visits Team Elizabeth and comments
that her dish sounds restaurant-y. Elizabeth agrees, “Out of the three of us, I
have the most restaurant-y, chef-y dish.” I couldn’t tell you much about that,
but I trust Victoria’s assessment that things are tasting awesome-y.
Graham visits Team Leslie and says that he’s never seen
filet and gnocchi served together. “Listen,” says Leslie, “you told me to reach
for the stars. I’m reaching for the stars.” And from the heavens above he has
pulled down filet and gnocchi. What’s he supposed to do? Argue with the stars?
I mean, that would be a very Leslie thing to do, but he's not going to this time.
Cook, cook, cook.
The judges think Elizabeth is in complete control, but
they’re worried about Courtney. “To do it in an Asian style for the first time
ever in this competition,” says Joe, “I think she’s playing without a net.”
Though, that doesn’t sound like much of a problem for a professional aerial
dancer. Joe’s much more confident about Leslie, saying that if he had to hire
any of these chefs for one of his restaurants, it would be him. “He’s on fire.” Leslie then proceeds to actually set himself on fire.
Damn, damn, damn.
They begin plating. “Let’s whack it,” says Christian. Leslie
whacks it. Elizabeth is plating. Leslie is plating. Courtney isn’t plating.
Gordon yells at Courtney to start plating. Courtney yells at Daniel to start
plating. They start plating.
“Guys, don’t forget,” Graham reminds them, "in the restaurant, we have a chef from every state in America.” Even New Hampshire?! Leslie is so
screwed. New Hampshirites hate gnocchi.
As time begins to wind down, Team Courtney devolves into
mayhem. Daniel is confused because he can’t engineer a mutiny, Willie doesn’t know what the fuck this shit is, and Courtney is even more exasperated than the exasperated kid.
Stop. Hands in the air.
The servers come to take the dishes. Elizabeth instructs
them to be "gentle like a lover." (NSFW)
The helper chefs get out of there, and the Top 3 present
their dishes to the 50 chefs. Courtney’s experience as an aerial dancer
performing in front of large crowds doesn’t come close to preparing her to face
the gawking stares of all of these chefs. She nervously presents pan-seared halibut with
beet dashi vermicelli.
Leslie presents his filet mignon and his best friend, Herb
Gnocchi. Glad you could be here, Herb.
Elizabeth presents her pan-seared red snapper with
cauliflower trio, because if there’s one thing people go crazy over, it’s
cauliflower.
The chefs dig in while the Home Cooks chill in the
MasterChef Lounge. Courtney compliments Elizabeth’s cauliflower couscous.
Elizabeth calls Courtney’s Asian flavor profile “interesting” and Leslie’s
combo of filet and gnocchi “insane.” You want insane? He’ll show you insane.
From the clips of the chefs the editor shows us, it looks like
Elizabeth’s dish is the best received. After they finish chowing down, the 50
chefs from 50 states form two lines down the center of the MasterChef Kitchen.
The Home Cooks step through the doors and stand before them. It’s all
very regal.
Gordon announces the winner of the challenge.
“Congratulations goes to—” He opens the envelope. “Wow. (commercial break)
Elizabeth!” So, I was officially wrong about Elizabeth coming in third. I
am awash with shame.
Now it’s down to a Dreaded Pressure Test—Leslie’s
seventh—to see who makes it to the Grand Finale to face Elizabeth.
Some time passes. Children are born. The elderly pass on.
The sun rises over MasterChef Mountain. It’s a new day, and it is time
for the Most Dreaded of Dreaded Pressure Tests.
They’ll be making three desserts. “The United Cakes of
America,” says Graham. The original plan was for them to make 50 cakes, but
they couldn’t figure out what to do with New Hampshire. They hate cake over there.
Cake 1: NY Cheesecake with a strawberry coulis
Cake 2: Florida Key Lime Pie
Cake 3: Boston Cream Pie
Any last words? Leslie always has some, “If she wins fair and
square, that’s fine with me. But I’m not going down sleeping. That’s for damn sure.” That is just Classic Leslie. Love it.
They have two hours to make all three cakes, and their time
starts…now.
Courtney is the baker of the two, so she has the advantage
going in. But Leslie has willpower and determination. If MasterChef was a
movie, Tom Cruise would play Leslie. I would play Joe.
Elizabeth is almost killed by a rogue spoon from
Courtney’s mixer. Meanwhile, Leslie can’t find a spoon of his own, so Elizabeth
lets him borrow the one sticking out of her thigh.
Courtney and Leslie are talking to themselves while they work,
and Elizabeth treats us to impressions of both. Meh, they’re okay, but mostly
they make me wish Daniel was still here. His Leslie is fantastic.
Bake, bake, bake.
Joe visits Leslie, who is freaking out. His cheesecake still
isn’t in the oven, and Courtney’s is already cooked. Joe tells Leslie that he
might be out of time to finish it, so Leslie picks up the pace. “Slow down.
Slow down. Slow down,” says Joe.
His cheesecake might be screwed, but Leslie’s Boston cream
pie is coming together well. Courtney, however, is having some issues with
the cream filling. Cream is everywhere. It’s beginning to fill the entire
MasterChef Kitchen. Leslie slips in a puddle of cream and takes a tumble.
Stop. Hands in the air.
Joe judges the cheesecakes, and it isn’t close. Courtney’s
looks great and is great. How does Leslie’s look, Courtney? Sooo, not
good? Courtney 1, Leslie 0.
Graham judges the key lime pies. Courtney really got into
using the blowtorch on the meringue, and Graham says it looks more like key
lime s’mores. He tastes it and declares it to be too sweet. He tries Leslie’s,
and thinks it tastes awesome. Courtney 1, Leslie 1.
Isn’t it amazing how it’s always tied on MasterChef going
into the third dish? Every single time. Just amazing. Totally believable, too.
So it comes down to Boston cream, and Leslie’s looks a lot
better than Courtney’s. Gordon approaches for the judging. He calls Courtney’s
filling “slurry” and for good measure “sludge.” He moves on to
Leslie’s fine-looking pie and has a taste. Uh oh. Something seems amiss.
Gordon takes the other judges back to the MasterChef Restaurant for a whisper huddle. They come back out and Gordon has Leslie taste his
sponge cake. “You know what’s wrong with that sponge,” Gordon says as Leslie
nods. “You put the salt in place of the sugar.”
Leslie replies, “I may have. Yes.”
Gordon delivers the news, “The Home Cook who made the best—”
Graham presses the stem of his glasses to pursed lips. “—Boston cream pie—and
the person who will now—move—in—to the MasterChef Finale and face off against
Elizabeth—that person is—Courtney.”
Leslie congratulates her, and she joins Elizabeth on the
MasterChef Balcony.
“Leslie, you have been phenomenal,” says Gordon, “and for
anybody out there that ever tells me again that cooking is a young man’s game,
you’ve turned that around on its head.” Leslie gives each of the judges a warm
hug before picking Elizabeth to win it all.
Leslie places his apron on his station and walks out the
doors to the applause of the two remaining contestants. In his interview, he
tells us, “Outside of getting married and having my children being born, this
has to be one of those great things in my life that I will remember forever.”
What an unexpected powerhouse Leslie turned out to be. When
I first saw him introduced as a stay-at-home dad from Malibu, I wrote him off
as an easy joke, and sure, he provided us with some of the best laughs of the
season, whether it was from his own cleverness or his mercurial leadership style.
But when the dreaded pressure was on, there was no one better—at least, not for
the first six times.
Good stuff, Leslie. You almost made it, but let’s be honest.
You’ve already made it. This whole experience was just a yacht full of
MasterChef gravy.
See you in Malibu.
Just watching this season and that Mississippi patch shocked me!!!
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