S4E3: I See Your True Colors. Now Get Out.

My MasterChef eyes are bigger than my MasterChef stomach, so I’ll be breaking down this two-hour behemoth into two separate episode recaps like before.

My disappointment in finding out that there are still auditions left is palpable. We meet a handful of new faces: a hot brunette, a young father with a chest tattoo, and a nerd who spews out the age-old reality cliché “I’m not here to make friends.” This from a girl who it looks like could use a few friends. Oh, and it’s funny that people still come on this show and are combative with the other Home Cooks. Two of the previous three winners were complete sweethearts throughout the entire competition. I’m glad they’re combative, though. I feed off their rage.

First up is Howard, army vet and bar back (actor). He repeatedly says, “This is huge,” and all I can think about is Howard Huge. He’ll be cooking for his 22 fallen comrades, which is a Howard Huge advantage over those only cooking for one or two dead parents. He’s making bourbon and amaretto with a hint of peach cobbler. Gordon becomes an angry drunk and is a No. Graham is a sloppy Yes. Joe and Howard Huge decide to walk if off, stumbling into Howard’s grandmother on the way. She gets the apron and is going to the next round.

Misfit Montage: Dessert Disguised as an Entrée Guy, Crazy Stuffed Animal Lady, Formal Firefighter, Sad Girl, Burning Boy, Argyle Sweater Wearer (I have an irrational hatred for these sweaters), and other forgettable faces.

Finally, it’s the last Home Cook. I’m tempted to jump ahead since he’s an obvious Yes. Johnny B is a carpenter who whittled a little mohawk for the competition. He’s making Lobster Crackerjacks and uses a beer bottle as a rolling pin, which admittedly is pretty cool. The judges love it. Yesses all around. Let’s get on with it. Shall we?

We briefly meet a couple competitors that didn’t get their auditions shown. These are Red Shirts, soon to be slaughtered in the next round. There are so many attractive girls that got through. I had no idea that being beautiful and a good cook went hand-in-hand. It must, because the only thing that matters is what they put on the plate.

Lamb stampede! LAMPEDE!!

To cut the contestants in half, they each have to cook a lamb dish. I hate this. It was more fun when the Home Cooks had to dice onions or perform some other knife skills to get through. That way we can actually see them succeed or fail. With this, we don’t really know what’s going on. Graham says, “People are showing their true colors, and they need to be dealt with.” Joe walks around and kicks people out. That’ll teach them to separate themselves from the herd.  

Why was the IT consultant wearing scrubs? We’ll never know, because he’s a Red Shirt. Clumsy Cornrows and Spicy Gabriella also get the boot.

The Home Cooks are split into two groups, and there is no tension for us, since all of the audition personalities that we already know are in the group on the right. They’re staying. A bunch of the hot chicks and the Unknown Pastor are in the group on the left and go home.

A few cooks remain to have their food tasted, two at a time.

First are a couple newbies, Malcolm Chest Tattoo vs. Seymira Purple Eyes. It’s boring. Chest Tattoo wins.

Johnny B vs. Crazy Eyes. Rangoons vs. Liver. Crazy Eyes talks smack for no reason and then says that it’s “the most beautiful dish he’s ever cooked” seconds after Gordon told him that his food looks like shit. Sadly, Crazy Eyes goes home to do crazy things like blowing up trees and eating road kill. That one must have been hard on the producers.

Hot Nancy vs. Nerdy Bri. Nancy’s dish looks pretty good. Bri makes four different lamb dishes, which as a vegetarian, is four more than she’s ever made. The show needs a vegetarian to move on, so Bri gets the nod.

And finally, Italian Luca vs. Quirky Beth. Luca shoved some sweetbreads into a loin, and Gordon thinks he’s playing a very dangerous game. It’s the Italian Roulette of dishes. Beth made Lavender Hay Roasted Loin. The judges love the hay idea, and everything else seems to suck. Beth moves on, because now her dish is “outstanding,” leaving Luca to sweat it out. Torturing Luca is Gordon’s favorite hobby.

Gordon: I know how much this means to you, but not everybody can come into the MasterChef Kitchen. You’re a great Home Cook, lot of passion. Keep cooking, please. Do not let this be the end of your culinary dream. (pause) Let it just be the beginning, because you’ve made it to the MasterChef Kitchen!

Luca: Ahhhh! Papa! Papa!