Thursday, May 30, 2013

S4E4: A Potato to Remember

Welcome to the palatial MasterChef Kitchen. It has everything a Home Cook can dream of. “Top notch everything,” says Bime about the cooking equipment, Krissi wants to lock herself in the wine room, and Sasha Fox Honey sees a restaurant with a VIP section that’s calling her name, only we can’t hear it over the sound of her voice. “Anything and everything you could ever think of” is there according to Bri, including a library for who-the-fuck-knows-why?

The Home Cooks are all beaming, except for Bime who is biming. They go to their stations for the first Mystery Box Challenge. They lift their boxes to reveal a tomato, a potato, some chocolate, and according to Krissi, BACON!! Can we all stop it with the going nuts over bacon thing? I get it. Bacon is good. We’ve established that. But it’s quickly becoming the argyle sweater of food items: a little played out.

Luca thinks the box’s contents are a joke. He was hoping for a big nice fish-a. Or maybe some steak-a. Oh, Luc-a!

Graham describes the items, finishing with “the most incredible, single potato.” That potato is his spirit vegetable. It is the embodiment of all that is good and right in the world. It is not, as it appears to be, just a regular dumb old potato.

They begin cooking, and the judges walk around, watching and tasting. Johnny B is making chocolate mashed potatoes, which is stupid, and Gordon calls him stupid. Stupid, Johnny B. Quit being stupid!

Savannah is a new face, and she’s making a frittata. So is everyone else, but not all of them are pronouncing it “frittátá” like Savannah, so she may have an advantage.

Awful Natasha is making a tart, but more important, she’s eagerly embracing the role of villain this season. She’s decided that new face Kathy and Krissi need to go home, you know, just because.

Three Top Dishes: Bime, who is apparently a boxing coach, and his Poached Egg over Hash; Horrible Natasha, who can’t stop telling us she’s pretty, and her Lemon Pie Tart; and Krissi with her standout, non-staccato Bacon Potato Frittata.

Terrible Natasha wins without even using the single, most incredible potato. She follows the judges into the MasterChef Pantry where she gets to decide the main ingredient for the Elimination Challenge. Her options are langoustines, veal chops, and some million-dollar Stilton blue cheese. She goes with the langoustines, figuring that Krissi has never seen one before. Sans Boris Natasha also gets to sit out the challenge and chooses Savannah to also skip it, because she thinks Savannah sucks. Savannah doesn’t realize her own shame and is thrilled by the opportunity to continue being unknown.

Sasha Fox Honey is physically repulsed by the langoustines, picking one up by its antenna. Bri apologizes to her langoustine, but that means that she’ll be cooking it with care. I expect to soon see Sasha beating hers to smithereens with a frying pan.

Howard Huge’s confidence is a 9 out of 10, and he thinks mac ‘n cheese girl (Krissi) is going home. Krissi promptly gives him the finger and keeps on cooking. I think I love her.

Kathy and Jerkface Natasha get into a little verbal spat, which leads to nothing but clichés.

Krissi’s mac ‘n cheese gets tasted, and the judges like it, prompting an ass kiss from Krissi to Rotten Natasha. Jordan makes a delicious bisque. Then Howard Huge is called up and gets the background bells of death played over his arrival. He made a tiny spinach salad fit for a rabbit. If you should know anything about Gordon Ramsay, Howard, it’s that he’s no rabbit! Howard has tears in his eyes while getting dressed down by the judges, and it’s impossible not to feel bad for him. Pull your shit together, Howard. Stop getting cute with your dishes. And stop hanging out with Vile Natasha!

Luca brings up his Langoustine Fettuccine. It’s overcooked, and Gordon tells him he’s fucked. Male Lynn poached his langoustine and it’s good. Kathy made a tower of rice, and Joe feels that the langoustine is disrespected by it and thusly he himself is also disrespected being 1/4 langoustine. Sasha presents her dish with a “Voilà.” Gordon calls it “poop on a plate,” and Joe is unhappy that his langoustinian ancestors were massacred worse by Sasha than in the infamous Langoustine Genocide of 1837.

Jessie has made Tempura Langoustine, and Graham says “perfect” more than once, putting her on Evil Robot Natasha’s radar. The last dish we see is Malcolm’s, who overcooked his langoustine and stuffed it with disappointment.

The judges discuss among themselves. Malcolm thinks he’s going home. Everyone else thinks Howard is going home as he distances himself from the others, even refusing to talk to Natasha. Sasha rationalizes her dish by recalling that no judges spit her food out. Rules of reality editing point toward Sasha getting the ax. Malcolm and Howard are humbled and low while Sasha is prideful and set up for a fall.

First, the best dishes go to Jordan and Jessie, with Jessie pulling off the win with her tempura.

Predictably, the bottom three is Howard, Malcolm, and Sasha. Gordon thinks Sasha is a one-trick home cooking pony, he asks Malcolm if he’s peaked, and a choked-up Howard says he overthought things. Malcolm gets the quick reprieve, and it’s down to Howard Huge and Sasha Fox Honey.

Sasha is eliminated, having never gotten to enjoy the comforts of the VIP section. BYE, Y’ALL!!!1!

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