Thursday, June 20, 2013

S4E10: Gordon Gives Jessie the Finger

It’s off to the world famous Paramount Studios for the Team Challenge, and I quickly wonder what not so famous studios they shoot the rest of the show at. “This is Hollywood, baby. What the hell are we doing here?” Jordan asks. You’re filming a reality show that’s sometimes about cooking. You probably should have figured that out by now.

A group of Home Cooks walks down a school hallway and suddenly merges with the rest of the competitors in the most awkwardly choreographed shot of the series so far. Krissi concentrates very hard on remembering how to walk.

They’re on the set of the used-to-be-a-hit television show, Glee, where they’ll be feeding over 100 members of the cast and crew in complete violation of union rules. Jessie and Krissi are the winners from last episode, so they’ll be the captains. Jessie has the Red Team. Krissi, the Blue.

They don’t get to pick their teams, though. Instead, the honor goes to comedy superstar Jane Lynch. She walks in, and Bri who is gleeking out hard says, “Shut up.” Jane repeats, “Shut up.” No one shuts up.

Jane labels Jessie and Krissi as Beauty and the Beast, which is perfect. She’s going to separate the groups by beauty and beastliness, an appropriately high schoolish way of classifying people.

Team Beauty: Jessie, Bri, Savannah, Jonny B, Black Guy, Luca, Natasha

Team Beast: Krissi, James, Beth, Bime (idiot according to Krissi), Lynn, Jordan, Bethy

Suddenly, Jane gets a whiff of Natasha’s awfulness and switches her with Beth. Next, she decides that Jonny B is too beastly and switches him with Lynn. Wow. Monster turn of events there.

Each team will have to make fried chicken with fries and slaw, grilled salmon with asparagus and scalloped potatoes, and vegan lasagna with a mixed salad. I like this set up. It’s not about making a stupid or smart decision, but instead about cooking the same thing better than the other team. What is this? Some kind of cooking competition? I’m with you, Jordan. What the hell are we doing here?

Jessie immediately judges the upcoming cast and crew as picky eaters and mockingly calls them “Hollywood types.” Wait until she gets a load of the grips and gaffers.

Team Beauty is going with a pesto sauce for the vegan lasagna. On Team Beast, Bethy suggests a cream sauce because she has very little understanding of the term “vegan,” but James is there to shoot her down and suggests a tomato sauce instead.

Krissi has her team calm and focused, while Jessie’s Beauties get behind and have to start hustling. This leads to Jessie slicing a chunk out of one of her beautiful fingers. Blood is shooting out of her wound like something from a horror film. She’s about to black out, and when Gordon picks up the sizable chunk of finger from the mandolin, I almost join her. I’ll never cut a vegetable ever again.

Joe likes the taste of Bime’s chicken – and now all I can think about are chicken fingers. I need to lie down.

The cast and crew arrive and start grubbing. There’s a rush on fried chicken, and both teams have trouble making it fast enough. But it’s even worse news for the Beasts as a crewmember pulls apart his chicken to reveal raw, bloody meat. Oh god. More blood. Medic!

When I come to, the celebrities and nobodies are voting. Jane Lynch leads a marching band and cheerleaders down the back lot to reveal the winning team. It’s 90 votes to 37, another blowout. The winning team is Team Beauty! Krissi can’t believe it. She’s baffled. She’s sick. She’s pissed off. She’s in a glass case of emotion. Also, she blames Bime.

On to the Dreaded Pressure Test. Krissi says it’s the chicken’s fault, but Gordon slaps her down with the statistic that Team Beast took 30 out of 56 chicken votes. It was Jordan's salmon that killed them, getting less than 4% of the vote.

Krissi gets the option to save as many people on her team as she likes as long as she saves at least one and at least two people compete. She decides to save Jonny B, Natasha, and herself. This is a hugely hyprocritical move considering she gave Jordan so much grief for saving himself earlier. It turns out she has no honor after all, but hey, this is MasterChef. Honor sends you home.

The remaining Cooks have to cook a lemon meringue pie. Bime’s never made one before. Bethy sucks at making them. But there’s a twist! No lemons! They have to make a citrus meringue pie with any citrus other than lemon. Jordan shits his pants.

The cooking begins. Jordan is making a key lime and regular lime curd for the pie. What’s the difference? Are key limes smaller? Apparently, I don’t know my limes.

Bime’s also making a lime meringue pie, and he runs into a problem. His curd isn’t thickening up, #thatswhatshesaid. Savannah notices that he added cream of tartar instead of cornstarch, and now I know that something called cream of tartar exists. Apparently, Bime and I don’t know our creams of tartar. He throws his cruddy curd into the miracle fridge and begins working on the meringue. He suddenly realizes his cream of tartar/corn starch snafu. Meanwhile on the balcony, Krissi schadenfreudes herself to a climax.

Bethy’s crust is butterier than she wants it, and Gordon thinks it actually might be raw. Jordan’s pie looks so money. James, however, is running out of time, so he rushes the finishing touches and admits that his pie looks like shit.

James’s blood orange and lime pie gets tasted first. His piecrust is raw, his curd is insufficient, and his egg whites are undercooked. A potential saving grace for him is that it tastes good.

Bethy makes a lime meringue pie, and it is not a success. Graham likes the curd’s flavor, but her pastry is definitely raw. When Gordon tells you that something you’re making is raw, it’s fucking raw. He’s the master of spotting raw. Throw that shit back in the oven. She describes her own pie as “the grossest pie I’ve ever seen in my life.”

Jordan’s double lime pie looks very pretty. Joe says it’s the best pie he’s tasted so far. He’s safe.

Did the fridge of miracles save Bime? Did he have time to remake his curd? We’re treated to a delightful overhead shot of the disaster that is Bime’s pie. It’s completely sunken into the dish, and the crust looks like one of the worst Play-Doh creations from my youth. Gordon attempts to pull out a slice, and – well – remember the scene in Robocop when the guy gets covered in toxic waste and then that car smashes through him? The goop that exploded onto the car's windshield is exactly what Bime’s pie looks like. 

Gordon pours the unset curd into martini glasses for Bime and himself, and they take a drink. It’s inedible. Bime is obviously screwed here.

Jordan is saved first. James created one of his worst dishes so far, but his worst is better than the others, so he’s safe.

It’s Bethy and Bime. How will Gordon squeeze drama out of this? Will he send them both home? “This is really difficult. You – both – are –  …  – talented home cooks without a doubt. Let me tell you.” Not bad.

It’s Bime who gets the boot and an emotional sendoff with a special Come Here, You hug from all of the judges.

So, we say goodbye to Bime, and he heads home to be reunited with his daughters. Hopefully, he can convince Child Protective Services to give them back to him. Vaya con Dios, Bime. Never stop dreaming. And never stop Biming.

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