Thursday, June 13, 2013

S4E7: Did I ever tell you you're my-- I did? Oh, okay then.

Let’s settle in for ANOTHER two hours of MasterChef. Is the whole season going to be like this? Someone call my agent.

Bethy leads off the episode, so will this be goodbye for Bethy? For this team challenge, the Home Cooks will be cooking for 101 off-duty firefighters “true American heroes.” (Hero Count: 1) If there’s one thing America loves more than heroes, it’s calling people heroes. Look, I don’t disagree that firefighters are heroic and should be lauded as such. But the more you use a word, the less meaning it holds. Since 9/11, the word “hero” has been used so often, it’s been diluted down to include those who share their gum. We should continue to call heroes heroes. Let’s just space it out a bit more.

Bethy’s dad is a firefighter, so if she loses, she’ll be excommunicated due to the laws of firefighter code. Wal-Mart has provided the produce and meat for this challenge, and it looks better than anything I’ve ever seen in their stores. (Hero Count: 2) Graham really lays on the hard sell over Wal-Mart's USDA-approved choice beef. 

Bethy and Bime are captains and pick their teams. Bethy picks Lynn, who is the first chosen again. We haven’t heard much from him yet, though the other Cooks apparently think he’s the best among them. Bime picks Jordan second and then proceeds to blow every pick after that. At one point, he calls Krissi a fatass, which comes around to bite him in his own fatass when Bethy gets the opportunity to switch a cook from each team, and she steals Eddie for Krissi.

The teams begin planning their dishes. (Hero Count: 3) Bime’s Red Team is doing sautéed mushrooms with their steak along with a simple reduction sauce and a cauliflower puree. Cauliflower puree? Who would ever want to eat that? I can’t imagine anything sounding more awful and can’t believe they would treat our heroes like that.

It’s Bethy’s way or the Pasadena Freeway, as she commands her team to make potatoes with red peppers, grilled asparagus, and two sauces: a chimichurri and a balsamic reduction. The Blue Team gets to work immediately, creating a rub for their steaks.

“Where’s the rub?” asketh Hamlet Ramsay of the Red Team. “The sauce is the thing,” replieth Bime.

Gordon goes over to the Blue Team and notices that they’re stupidly making two sauces like a bunch of stupid stupids. Bethy decides that instead of two stupid sauces, they’ll make one stunning sauce.

The Red Team appears to be disorganized, and Joe wants to know if “Bimmie” is in control. (Hero Count: 4) Gordon urges the Blue Team to start searing steaks. Natasha shows us the Red Team’s putrid cauliflower puree that looks like brains floating in congealed toxic waste. “It’s going to come out beautiful,” she boasts.

Krissi doesn’t like Beth because she’s one of those hipster people that she can’t stand. Hipster hate is so played. It ranks up there with argyle sweaters and calling everyone heroes. @danforthfrance summed up the need to discredit artistic-appearing people as hipsters with his tweet: “Hipster” is a deflection, a scapegoat for embarrassment about your own shallow, novel interests. It's your boutique self you despise. So take that, Krissi. And everyone else, consider following Danforth France on Twitter. He be smart and shit.

The firefighters are arriving. (Hero Count: 5, 6, 7) They march down both sides of a long, white table and stand at attention at their seats. It’s all very military-ish and seemingly (to me) not very firefighter-ish. (Hero Count: 8) At ease, guys. You're off-duty. Gordon thanks them via megaphone. (Hero Count: 9)

Service begins, and Joe discovers that the Blue Team didn’t sauce one of their dishes. He flips out on the Blue Team, spitting all over the rest of the food.

Finally, service is over, and voting begins. Each firefighter pushes a red or blue button to vote. We actually see the red button pressed five times and the blue button four times. Does the one fewer shown button push mean that the Blue Team will win? They do. It’s a blowout. 68 to 33. (Hero Count: 10)

The Red Team is a mess. Beth is crying and calls the cauliflower puree disgusting, to which Natasha responds, “Excuse me? Fuck you!” Of course, it was disgusting. It was cauliflower (disgusting) made into a puree (disgusting) by Natasha (disgusting). Beth breaks down, and Krissi mocks her for it. Bime is willing to take the blame for the loss and won’t save himself if given the chance.

On to the dreaded Pressure Test. (Hero Count: 11) “Bimmie” doesn’t get the option of cooking. He’s automatically safe. Bime also chooses Jordan to be safe because he competes with honor.

The remaining Home Cooks have to make Eggs Benedict: a perfectly poached egg on Canadian bacon on a buttered English muffin and topped with hollandaise sauce. Natasha is confident. Beth is also confident. There are only enough ingredients for the Cooks to get one shot at making the dish. That’s a pretty big jar of butter, though. Let me clarify. That’s a pretty big jar of clarified butter.

They have 30 minutes and start cooking. Gordon thinks that at least two Home Cooks will have their hollandaise sauce break on them. Bri has never made Eggs Benedict or successfully poached an egg, and Luca doesn't know how to boil water.

Krissi’s hollandaise breaks. She now has only one egg left to try and remake her sauce. It shouldn’t be enough. She should look to Lance Armstrong for inspiration as he was able to accomplish so much with only one testicle. I’m suggesting that she should cheat and then deny it for a decade.

Right under the noses of Joe and Graham, Kathy pulls a perfectly poached egg from her pot and attempts to plate it using a spatula. She drops it. “Slotted spoon,” suggests Graham. Thanks, Graham. Does that advice come with a time machine?

Time ends and the Cooks bring their dishes to the front. Kathy goes first. She skimped on the sauce, but everything else was good. Luca goes next. His egg is undercooked.

Natasha’s plate looks terrible. Her hollandaise is closer to mayonnaise. She added too much vinegar, which isn’t surprising since she is brimming with vinegar.

Beth’s sauce is broken. “Eggs Vomit,” Gordon calls it.

Bri’s first attempt at Eggs Benedict is a success.

Somehow, Krissi was able to make plenty of hollandaise. Maybe she did cheat!

Bri and Krissi are safe, and it’s down to four. Who will be leaving the kitchen? All of them! Gasp!! “All four of you will walking out those doors – and into an even greater challenge,” says Gordon.

So we end on a cliffhanger as the four Cooks will battle it out in the next episode to see who goes home. Bleh. Cliffhanger episodes are the worst. They’re almost as bad as two hours of back-to-back MasterChef for the fourth week in a row.

No comments :

Post a Comment