Thursday, August 29, 2013

S4E22: Bounce With Me

I have very little time to write this, so I must recap like the wind. This will be my own Dreaded Pressure Test. Here we go.

We’re on a ranch for this episode. The Home Cooks will be cooking a lunch party for a mystery host. Who could it be? (I know who it will be.) Driving in on a tractor is now-disgraced butter maven, Paula Deen.

“I’m Italian. What do I know about Southern food?” asks Luca, who can’t really pronounce Southern food let alone cook it. “Hey guys!! How y’all doin’??” yells Paula.

Each cook will be responsible for cooking for a table of ten guests. “What I wanted to do was throw a thank you luncheon for some of these dedicated volunteers,” says Paula. However, she’s worried about who will actually be serving the food now that Eddie is gone.

They’ll be cooking Kentucky chicken, Alabama pork chops, Georgia shrimp, Mississippi catfish, and gator tail from who-the-fuck-knows-where. Luca gets to pick the protein that each Home Cook will have to work with. Luca picks the pork chops for himself. He thinks that Natasha and Jessie are his biggest competition because they’re the hottest and make him nervous and sweaty. Natasha gets catfish, which he should have given to Krissi since she’s screwed it up so badly before. Jessie gets alligator, Krissi gets shrimp, and James gets chicken. “I’ve got a couple of bad ass recipes in my head,” ass man James says.

Paula’s smile is the thing of nightmares. Those white teeth. Those pink lips. Those heavily mascara-laden eyes. That expression of pure pain behind those eyes. I suspect that she’s actually held together by nothing but glue and spit. There are a lot of horses around…

Paula gets to pick the top two dishes, and those cooks get to avoid the Dreaded Pressure Test. Time begins, and the cooks get cooking. The judges reiterate that the top two get to move on, because we are deaf and stupid.

Krissi is in her comfort zone, which is no surprise. Though she’s never prepared alligator, Jessie is also comfortable.

James’s breasts are huge. Apparently, he didn’t notice after spending so much time near Natasha. Gordon is worried that he won’t have enough time to cook them properly.

Natasha’s fish is sticking to the grill, so she moves it to a pan. James’s chicken is still undercooked. Luca’s pork chops are perfect. “How you say, on the money?” That’s how you say.

They begin to serve, and Natasha bounces to her table with her plates. Despite being short on time, I rewind and watch again. Jessie turns on the Southern charm. Luca turns on the Italian charm. Krissi turns on the Philly charm. Natasha turns on the bouncy charm. I don’t catch what charm James turns on, because I get stuck in a bouncy k-hole.

The Home Cooks are getting rave reviews until Gordon spots a pink breast on James’s table. He dives in and grabs the breast, handing it off to James to work on. Natasha’s catfish is also under. They’re definitely going on to the Dreaded Pressure Test, and it’s between the other three to see who joins them.

Paula announces the top two. It’s Luca and Jessie, putting Krissi in her 63rd consecutive Pressure Test.

“I have to cook my way into the Top 4 tomorrow,” says James. “Based on what I’m up against I’m not too worried.” Uh oh. Now I’m worried.

Back in the MasterChef Kitchen, the judges bring Jessie and Luca back with them into the MasterChef Pantry. Oh man, does Jessie look good. After she broke my heart with that boyfriend comment last episode, I said I was done for good, but I’m feeling some weakness. Be strong. Don’t look at her flowing blonde hair, captivating blue eyes, soft pink lips…

Where am I? What happened? Shit. Another k-hole.

The ever-radiant Jessie, at whom I can never be mad again, along with Luca will choose between three dishes. They get to pick which chef cooks what dish. The dishes are: the most amazing seared scallops salad, the world-renowned filet rossini, and an incredible rich decadent Greek yogurt panna cotta.

Natasha gets the scallops, Krissi gets the filet, and James has the panna cotta. Come on, James. You can do it. Yogurt is kind of a sauce. Isn’t it? It isn’t? Ugh. See ya, James.

They run to the MasterChef Pantry. Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy. Aaaaand k-hole.

James is concerned. Me too, James! Natasha is confident and comfortable. Krissi is in unfamiliar waters. She’s a buoy on the dreaded seas of the Pressure Test.

Luca notices that James put the panna cotta in the fridge instead of the blast chiller. No, James! Pull it together!

Joe checks on Krissi and calls her poor again. Luca and Jessie watch her put the filet in the oven after heavily searing it. “That was very stupid,” says Luca. Ouch, Krissi. She’s getting it from all angles.

#whosintrouble? Graham says it’s James. Joe is worried about Krissi, what with her being so poor and stupid.

Time ends, and everything looks pretty great.

Natasha goes first. She’s missing some sauce and truffles, but her scallops are – how you say? – on the money. Gordon and Graham like it, but Joe is a little harder on her.

Krissi brings up her filet. It looks identical to Joe’s. He cuts into the filet, and it’s more medium than medium rare. It could be worse, though. She left the skin on the pear, because Krissi leaves the skin on things. Gordon leans on her a bit for overcooking the meat.

James presents the panna cotta. It didn’t set. The flavor is right, but the fact that he didn’t use the blast chiller might get him. I’m freaking out.

After conferring with the other judges, Gordon delivers the news. “The person leaving MasterChef tonight…” Graham presses the stem of his glasses to pursed lips. Joe folds his arms. “…Krissi and Natasha…” Cymbal crash. “…please say goodbye to James.”


My bro. I’m gutted.


James is gone, and only one guy is left. I said at the beginning that a guy was winning this year, so that means it must be Luca.

I’m going to miss James, obviously. He’s funny, gives great interviews, and has beautiful hair. Congrats on making it this far, James. Congrats on your wedding. And congrats on making the great decision to follow me on Twitter.

#brohug #brofeels


  1. I'm just miffed because you missed your chance to make Jessie and James Team Rocket jokes. #pissed

  2. This is awesome! Where has this blog been?! You just got a new reader!