Thursday, September 5, 2013

S4E23: Clobberin', Quittin', and Awkward Sittin'

“Final Four. I have a 25% chance to win a quarter of a million dollars,” begins Natasha, turning her nose up at the illustrious title of MasterChef and her very own cookbook. But Krissi understands where the real value is. She says, “And then getting this cookbook, like, aside from my kid, that’s been my biggest motivation.” What would that cookbook be called? A Bully in the Kitchen, Cooking with Your Fists, Just a Dash of Hatred...

Two Mystery Boxes. Two stations. Two teams of two. Too true! Each team will have to prepare a three-course meal, completely ruining the beautiful streak of twos Gordon had going. The losing team will have to face off in the Dreaded Pressure Test. Graham announces the first pick of teams goes to the Home Cook with the most Mystery Box wins. Luca realizes that it’s himself and tries to celebrate, but the stress of the moment only allows him to muster a dead-eyed, half-smiling, below-the-waist fist pump.

Donning the blue apron, Luca knows he isn’t picking Krissi. “Jessie and Natasha are both very strong competitors, but me and Natasha in the past didn’t get along very much.” It’s a difficult decision, to be sure. They’re both pretty hot, Jessie in a #BeautifulAngelFromHeaven kind of way, and Natasha in a #SexyFormerlyEvilRobot way. The tiebreak goes to who Luca thinks will be a more competitive teammate, Natasha.

“I’m stuck with The Thing,” says Jessie. Oh, so that explains Krissi’s horrible personality. A massive dose of gamma rays. Shoulda known. And that isn’t cleavage, just a crack in her rock-like skin. Please let that be a crack in her rock-like skin.

Colorado lamb, Maine lobster, Catskills rainbow trout, Montana parsnips, Oregon beets… 50 states, 50 ingredients. Welcome to MasterCartographer.

The teams begin cooking/disagreeing. Luca&Natasha are making a seafood medley salad (a collection of some of the greatest seafood hits from the past 30 years), rack of lamb, and a strawberry tart. Jessie&Krissi are making a cold lobster salad, rack of lamb, and an apple tart.

Dessert disasters are forming at both stations. Natasha’s crust crumbles, so she wisely decides to make a crumble. Krissi’s dough is too buttery, so she decides to make crepes, which she doesn’t know how to make. “Jessie, I’m not comfortable making crepes,” she says. To which Jessie replies, “Babe, you abandoned me on the lobster, so you gotta pick something you can cook.” Krissi stands there, more slack jawed than usual, incredulous at Jessie’s gall. “What the fuck did you just say to me, bitch?” Krissi bravely says in a private interview. “I literally am going to take this hot pan and smash it in her face.” Uh oh. It’s clobberin’ time!

Nope. It’s quittin’ time. Krissi abandons Jessie on the rest of the dishes, as well, leaving the love of my life to finish cooking everything on her own.

“Beets?” asks Luca. “Beets beets beets?” responds Natasha. “Beets beets,” says Luca. This team is really coming together, having already created their own language.

Krissi says something about her kid motivating her again and returns with a mixer. Fortunately, she doesn’t bash Jessie in her beautiful face with it.

“Beets! Beets!” says Luca. “Beets?” asks Natasha. Luca clarifies, “Beets! Beets!” “Beets,” agrees Natasha.

Time ends, and Luca&Natasha bring their dishes to the front.

Their seafood medley salad has turned into a seafood trio, basically it’s a piece of trout, a lobster tail, and a fried oyster slapped onto a plate. Joe calls it “unusually weird,” but he likes it, particularly Luca’s torch job on the trout.

Gordon tastes their lamb. It’s delicious, along with the puree. The beets are soggy, slightly overcooked. Beets beets? Beets beets beets. Haha. I wish you guys could speak Beetish, because I just killed it with that joke.

“Don’t be upset at me if it’s not good,” Natasha whispers to Luca about the dessert. Graham examines it with a curious “hmm, interesting.” It has a gloopy quality to it.

It’s time for Jessie&Krissi to bring their offerings up. Joe looks at their lobster salad. “It looks like a sundial,” he says, about to tell them what time it is. He tastes it, and…it isn’t clobberin’ time. He thinks it tastes great.

Gordon tries the lamb. “Who seared the lamb?” he asks, knowing that Jessie seared the lamb. Something went wrong with the sear, although I’m not sure exactly what that is. Krissi tries to throw Jessie under the bus for miscooking the lamb, but Gordon has none of it, asking Krissi if she quit. She did. After some arguing and Jessie rattling off a long list of everything she had to do while Krissi quit, including beets, Gordon retries the lamb. This time, he likes it.

Graham tries their apple tart sans tart. “Good effort,” he says, ending the season and immediately awarding Krissi the title of MasterChef.

The winning team is obviously Luca&Natasha, who celebrate like it was far from obvious to them. They scream and hug. Then Natasha turns during the hug, so that Luca is now riding her from behind while he holds on to her chest. It was just an excellent teammate decision from Luca on multiple levels.

Jessie goes upstairs to commiserate with Luca and Natasha. She calls Krissi a cow and they all share a laugh at her inability to make crepes. Krissi hears their mutterings and bolts up the stairs. It’s clobberin’ time!

No clobberin’ commences. Just some awkward sitting around. It’s awkward sittin’ time!

It’s time for the Dreaded Pressure Test. Jessie looks stunning per usual. Krissi looks awful and mean and sad and friendless and she blocked me on Twitter, so I hope she loses.

They have to make chocolate mousse. “Pure edible decadence,” Graham says. “Amazing.” I laugh so hard. James is gone, so the comedy crown goes back to Graham.

Up in the balcony, Luca and Natasha are dressed for a funeral. Soon, there will be one, but not just yet as Joe adds another element to the challenge. Chocolate molten lava cake. Gordon reveals the third chocolate dessert they’ll have to make. “It is the most fearsome dessert in the whole fucking world.” A chocolate wombat, err—soufflé.

Cook cook cook. Krissi is a baker, so she has the advantage going into this. However, Jessie is mind-blowingly gorgeous, so…actually that doesn’t really factor in.

Krissi falls behind with the soufflés. Running out of time, she pops them into the oven and then squats in front of it, bouncing and puffing out her cheeks. Amazing.

Time ends. It’s judgerin’ time!

Soufflé goes first. Gordon tastes Jessie’s with no comment. He does the same with Krissi’s. After whispering to the judges, he gives the win to Jessie.

Graham tastes the chocolate mousses. The chocolate meese. Whisper whisper. The win goes to Krissi.

It comes down to the lava cake, and they both look terrible. Joe tastes them both and then leaves with the judges to confer.

They come back out, and Joe addresses Jessie and Krissi. “Obviously, both molten cakes had problems…” Krissi closes her eyes and nods. “…It came down to the most minute of details…” Gordon looks at Joe, then at the cooks. “…Based on those two chocolate molten lava cakes, the Home Cook joining the Top Three…” Graham presses the stem of his glasses against pursed lips. “…and entering the semi-final of MasterChef…” Gordon smells his fingertips. “…is…” Commercial break. “…Jessie.”

Boom. Clobbered.

“Krissi, this is very emotional and difficult for me,” says Joe who always had a soft spot in his hard heart for her.

Tears roll down Krissi’s rocky cheeks. “Come here, you,” Gordon beckons. “Don’t punch me,” he says before giving her a hug.

It was quite a rollercoaster for Krissi. She began as the most sympathetic character, actually making me tear up at her audition, but things quickly changed. Horribly racist tweets were revealed and then insincerely apologized for. She was belligerent to her fellow competitors, often threatening them with violence. But every good reality show needs a villain, and she was one of the best.

Farewell, Krissi. If you’ve learned anything from this competition, let’s hope it was to never block me on Twitter. 


  1. Thank the Great Goddess Jessie!! The beast hath been vanquished!

  2. You are very sweet with your openness about your affection for Chef Jessie. Also, your review of the 2 episodes was spot-on. Thanks.